A Few Little Steps

Alright I'm just going to lay things out on the line... I have sat here staring at this blank page trying to figure out how to start this blog. The topic I have chosen to blog about is not an easy one for me to talk about (minus with my family and close friends) but at times I have felt so alone in this process that I'm hoping that someone will jump up and tell me they are going through this RIGHT NOW. I'm very lucky to have people surrounding me to help and support me but at the same time when dealing with infertility no one really understands what one is feeling threw all this.
I guess I'll start at the beginning of my journey (as its been over a year of trying). Back in my early 20's I always knew there was something wrong going on with my lady parts (hah!), I constantly would go months on end with no period  or signs of it coming. At the time I thought it was the greatest thing ever cause I never had to worry about that monthly monster. After a few years I started to get curious as to why it wasn't coming and to boot I had met my husband and like any normal girl I started thinking WAYYY ahead. I made an appointment with my family doctor who had told me it was nothing to worry about and that it was just stress. My doctor would set me up with birth control but I never took it as I could never remember taking the dam pill so I just never bothered. I took her word on the stress thing and didn't think about it for another year when it started to become more of a topic with my husband and I. We had set up another appointment with my family doctor and we both went in and just straight up asked are we going to have issues with fertility. With no tests done my doctor assured us we would be okay, just might take a little longer then normal. Once again walked out and felt confident with her answer. We then started trying, not thinking about anything just if it happened well... then it happened. After about 6 months I made another trip in to my family doctor who then finally decided it was time to book me for a internal ultrasound. I then found out I have Polycystic Ovary syndrome or for short PCOS. I was then referred to a baby doctor who started me on Metformin 1000mg. Now anyone that has taken it WOW is all I can say ... the first few weeks on it was pretty awful! I had the joy of nausea and reaaaaaaallly bad diarrhea!! I honestly would be at work and racing to use a bathroom. After suffering through that for 4 months nothing had happened. No period, no ovulation, and no baby :(  I was starting to feel pretty hopeless because my family doctor had told us we would go on metformin and it would happen in no time (so disappointing that wasn't the case!). So my husband and I made another appointment with our baby doctor who then decided it was time to kick it up a notch and start me on clomid 50mg. At that point I was taking metformin 1000mg, clomid 50mg, and prenatal vitamins. I was feeling pretty good with the new medication I was put on. I totally had thought this has got to be it, this is what is going to make things happen. I then went out and purchased a very expensive ovulation kit in hopes that my chances would be even better and to make my chances even better I got myself a thermometer to check my temps! I FINALLY had gotten a positive ovulation test and of course made sure my husband got his arse home so we could try. Its insane the tricks your mind plays on you when all you do is pray your pregnant. I felt just about every symptom you would feel if you were pregnant and when the day came to test .... Big FAT Negative. I tried to stay strong as I didn't want my husband to feel that this was totally consuming everything in me. The next cycle rolled around and I got another positive for ovulation and did the deed and another Big fat negative. It was one right after the other of disappointment.
After all the negatives I have gotten I basically feel stone cold.... to be honest I can't even put words to it to be honest. I look around and all I see are pregnant woman and babies and I look at myself and I begin to wonder whats wrong with me.... is this God letting me know that I'm not meant to have a child or that I shouldn't??? Did I curse myself in my younger years when I let it be known to everyone I was NEVER going to have kids cause I thought they ruined marriages, because I take that all back I do want them!!!
My heart aches and even though I have an amazing husband I just feel incomplete. I feel as though my husband and I have so much we can give but we can't.... well at least not right now.
Anywho after 4 months of clomid we were back to see the baby doctor who then let it be known that our next step is to head off to Mount Sinai Fertility clinic to see where we go from here and further my testing.
I've become numb to this all so I'm not overly excited for the appointment but feeling happy with seeing a new doctor and getting another opinion. In the mean time until our appointment which is in 3 weeks my doctor gave me a higher dosage of clomid so I'm now on 100mg for cycle days 3-7.
On a positive note having a higher dose of clomid increases my chances of multiples. Which would be cool get it all done in one shot, right? I think my mother would die if that happened haha!
I know writing this blog will more then likely get some comments and I just want to state if you are going to say anything please don't make it about adoption, or just relax, blah blah blah... I have heard it ALL!
*I understand adoption is a great option for infertility BUT there is a large bump I would have to get over and that is not being able to experience pregnancy. It has crossed our minds and we shall see where this road takes us... who knows maybe that will be our final decision....

Until next time (hopefully with great news!!)
BABY DUST!